Monday morning letdown

(we open on a board room filled with suits containing lumpy businessmen. There are doughnut crumbs and half a bear claw in the bottom of a grease-stained flimsy pink cardboard box in the middle of the table. A low murmur fills the room)

"All right everyone, let's get started. This meeting of the Wal-Mart 'confusing marketing techniques' division will commence immediately. I'd read the minutes of our last meeting, but we want fresh confusion out there, which means having a logical path to follow from our last meeting would defeat the purpose entirely. So, without further ado, does anyone have any ideas to throw on the table?"

"Uh......yeah. So, like, what if we just didn't mop any more?"

"I like your style, Jones, but that's already a given. No, no, don't bother raising your hand. We already camouflage managers to blend in until they sense somebody wants to shop while minding their own business, at which point they incessantly ask if they can help you find something."

(Jones's hand timidly sinks back under the table)

"Anyone else? (pause, silence) Well, come on guys. I know it's rough thinking up new and confusing things to do to people who just want to get 'Nillas and bananas then eat themselves into a food coma while watching The Simpsons, but somebody has to do it."

(a timid female voice pipes up)

"Well..........this, uh, may seem strange...."

"Ooh! Then I'm definitely listening!"

"Okay, so.........what if we set up a large cardboard viking ship as a display with absolutely no merchandise, signs, or labels on it to explain why there's a viking ship in the store."

(a very pregnant pause as all heads swivel toward the head of the table where the boss is doing that annoying finger steeply thing with his index fingers jammed into the fold of fat that passes as his chin)

"I like it. (tangible release of tension in the room) But........we need more."

"We.........we could fill it with soup and various crackers and snack products? Maybe some cranberry sauce?"

(low, excited murmurs fill the room)

"That's great, yes, I like it! But it needs to be even MORE absurd....."

(the room goes silent again as all heads swivel back expectantly toward the young woman. The camera tracks their movement in a swift pan, then slows down and pauses in a close up of her face, deep in thought, eyes lowered. Suddenly her head snaps up and her pupils bore directly into the camera with a look of fierce determination. A vampish smile curls her red lips upward and her eyebrows arch.)

"We get a cardboard viking ship. Fill it with soups, snacks and cranberry sauce.......(everyone leans toward her, breathless) and put it in the front corner of the women's clothing department!"

(The room erupts with excited babbling. We hear snippets of conversation such as, "People will have to completely change course with their carts!" And "This opens up new worlds! Let's put cribs in the sporting goods section!" Suddenly the room goes silent again as the boss stands up. He pauses dramatically.)

"It's perfect. Make it happen! Meeting adjourned."

(Babbling with excitement, the room empties as if a bathtub drain has been unstopped, a few papers curl up and float gently back to the low, ugly carpet of the board room. The camera makes a slow pan from the door back to the doughnut box........which is now empty.)